Nathan (bigbearok) wrote,

Still crazy after all these years

I've come to a weird realization this past few months. I've always had problems with depression, starting when I was in 7th grade, but I've come to recognize that I also have anxiety issues. Today was an anxiety day.

Looking back, I should have recognized this before, or at least one of my mental health professionals should have recognized it. One classic sign that I was beginning a depressive cycle was a feeling of restlessness, irritability (lights were too bright, noises too loud, people breathing), a feeling of wanting to do something but not knowing what, wanting to be somewhere but not knowning where, and being on the verge of tears or screaming. It would then progress to a full on depressive episode, sleeping 18-20 hours a day, crying, hopelessness, circular thinking, inability to do anything positive, isolating, being non-communicative.

This was my normal for a long time.

So, good news, I really am much better than this, and taking a maintenance psychotropic med helps maintain that even keel. But I still have problems now and again with the anxiety and irritation. It happened a few months ago when I was planning to head to an SCA event. I dressed up and then spent the afternoon sitting, in costume, unable to leave the house. In the last week or two I've been having problems at work with being irritable. Not to the point where I really would do anything about it, but to the point where I noticed and it was hard to do my job in a compassionate manner.

So I'm thinking of asking for something to help with anxiety. Don't know if it would be an additional medication, or perhaps a med that helps with depression and anxiety, but I think it's time to move forward with something.

Truth is I haven't truely been happy for years. Truth is that I haven't slept well in years. Truth is that I'm still not over being in a relationship, and I crave the companionship. In many ways I can't imagine falling in love again, but on the other hand there is someone who I would fall head over heels with if he just said the right words.

I've been in a holding pattern for five years. <--buried lead.
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